Wednesday, 24 October 2012

Seven Years Ago, Today .

To my friends who constantly badger me about finding someone to be with. . .
  
Sorry. I can't.

It seems I gave my heart away seven years ago.

As cliched as it sounds, I remember thinking that you were just another crush. I thought that you were someone I'd eventually replace or forget. I thought that, because I was going out of my mind with stress, my heart had elected you as a distraction. It made so much sense at the time.

With the power of hindsight, I can say that you were more than just a distraction. I never forgot about you. I never replaced you. I'm beginning to think that I will never be able to forget or replace you.

For one, you taught me not to settle. Not to settle with someone who doesn't care about my dreams. Who doesn't respect my dreams. You made me painfully aware that I could never be with someone who wasn't respectful, confident, intelligent and gentle-hearted. You taught me that despite all these myths that us girls are fed, the perfect guy does exist.

You are it.

When I met you, I was such a complicated person. Always worrying and stressing about things. Granted that I had a lot of responsibility back then. But it seems that I always seemed to be crazy over the tiniest things. And yet there you were my antithesis - so uncomplicated and simple-minded. You were always so relaxed - everything came so easily to you. I was so infinitely jealous! I used to always wonder how you could be so intelligent, yet so carefree.
 
Of all people, you were sure of what you wanted to do with your life. You were going to get your degree and then live your dreams. In your mind, there was no doubt whether you were good enough to succeed. You just knew you would. I always admired your innate sense of entitlement to success.

You were also the first person to take me seriously when I told them about my dreams. Everyone before you had either laughed or berated me for dreaming my dreams. You were the first person who told me that they believed in me and that I could do anything in this world.

Up until this date, no one has said the same words. 
  
I'm not sure if what I feel for you is love. But I know that I feel a deep sense of gratitude towards you. The years after we parted have been tough. There seems to have been a million and one dark hours where I wished things were different.

I often thought about you. I worked hard to make my dreams come true - so very hard. With each achievement and failure, I thought about you. I would be so sad as to imagine what type of encouraging words you'd say to make my achievement sweeter or my failure less bitter.

No matter where I travelled to, I thought about you. For a really prolonged period, everything reminded me of you.

Outrageously, I began wishing that I had listened to you and put down your university course in my preference list so I could have spent another three years with you. I wished that I had someone like you who would tell me that they believed in me and that everything would be okay. When I was sitting in front of a stack of books trying to do my essays, I wish there was someone to give me a few encouraging words. When I was tapping away on the computer at 3AM trying to finish an assignment due in a few hours, I dreamt of having someone tell me that Essay Draft #15 was good enough and that I should catch some sleep. When people started opening attacking my dreams, I wished that there was someone there to defend me...someone to pull me into a corner and tell me that I was capable of getting there.

You. You always told me I was good enough. That I was really, really, really good enough to do whatever I wanted to do in this world.

There have been others who have come and gone but none of them were like you. They didn't see a girl with big dreams. They just saw a girl with silly dreams.

I just wish you had been there.

A month ago, I happened to drive past your house and my heart ached. After all these years, my heart ached.

Even though I knew you wouldn't be at home because you're overseas at the moment fulfilling your dreams, a part of me really wanted to go up and ring your doorbell.

My heart really misses you. 

2 comments:

  1. Hi Valentine, that was really beautiful written...I want to read more - I've read this twice already!

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  2. :(

    I've always wondered if the purest form of love is when it awakes a need in us for self-betterment. It's wonderful that this person made you want to achieve your dreams and challenged you to greater things, even though you miss them so much.

    I know exactly what you mean when you say your mind convinced you that your feelings for someone were just a distraction because of everything else that was going on. I often question whether my infatuations/romantic feelings for someone are grounded in this reality. If I weren't unhappy or felt something lacking within myself, would I still be attracted to this person and want to be with them?

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